I am old lady

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Yes, I will admit I'm not a spring chick anymore.  When I arose this morning, I was able to wander around my house at five in the morning.  I turned on my computer, made a pot of coffee and played with my cats.  I was able to look out my window to see what kind of a day it was going to be and I pretty much was able to 'do my own thing,' as they say.

It may not sound like such a big deal, but if you are living in a traditional nursing home, believe me, this kind of freedom is as 'big of a deal' as you're going to get.  I wasn't made to get out of bed at six in the morning, I chose to get up at five and if I didn't want to get up, I didn't have to.  In a nursing home you will be forced to get out of bed for breakfast at six in the morning. Why?  Well it's always, always for staff convenience.  

When I was a nurse aide, I was told:  'We have to get them up and ready because the day shift will get mad if we don't.'  So screw the day shift is my response.  The day shift has 'so much to do already.'  So?  They get paid for their efforts. (Even though I know nurse aids don't get paid near enough for all they do)  I have worked the day shift and yes, people have appointments, they need breakfast and it's pretty busy.  But that still doesn't warrant dragging my old ass out of bed at that god awful hour, especially since all night I've probably already been poked and prodded, so now I've had very little sleep.  No wonder I'd be groggy and upset at being drug from my warm bed. The night shift people would hurriedly dress those old people, all the while saying: "Come on, we have to be in the dining room shortly."  Many elderly balk at being hurried.  Hell, you'd think they had some damned job to get to, instead of paying big bucks to be hurried and shuffled to the dining room like so much cattle.  Traditional nursing homes are full of damned rules.  Rules that, for the most part, are quite meaningless in my book. 

Once they do get into the dining room, they are greeted by nurses with med carts.  Now nowhere on any prescription bottles I've ever gotten, does it say: 'To be takes in a large group at times convenient only to nursing staff.'  My bottles say: 'To be taken at XYZ time of day.'  That medication is supposed to be individualized, for that particular patient.  But, remember, all of this is for staff convenience only.  Which pretty much assures that I'm no longer an individual.  Just part of a herd of cattle.  Kind of like when a farmer milks cows the same time, all at once, in a big group, every day. 

When it's time to shower, also for staff convenience, you will be wheeled into a stall, and the experience?  Well more akin to a car wash than any showers I take in my home.  That Big shower wand, it gets lifted from its holder and a waterfall of water is washed over your head, your face,your eyes, your body.  I'm sure this might be how water boarding feels like.  Getting old and showering, equals torture.  Now imagine, if you will, you have dementia and have no idea what's going on.  I'm sure you would be combative too.

Today I'm going to the local store to pick up some things I need.  In a nursing home, especially the one I worked at as a Social Worker, a place that doesn't even own a van for such trips; that is also a big deal.  That nursing home feels it's too big of an expense to have a van to take people to the stores.  Too expensive to own, even though that facility, as all nursing homes, rake in billions of dollars.  But, gosh, don't spend any of those big bucks on people living there.  

So as you go about your day, just think of all the little freedoms you are enjoying.  Remember, those freedoms will evaporate if you have to ever live in a traditional nursing home. 

Once she's 'married off'

The title of this blog was my parents' mantra.  In the late 60's it was just what society expected of young women.  Get them married off so they can raise a family and be 'taken care of.'  

I'm considering writing a book about my life with a true narcissist.  Why did I linger for 16 years?  Good question, I ask myself that all the time, even to this day.  I may write that book, but for now I am hoping this blog will help women (some at least) to leave the narcissist. Because I now know, you won't get any better from them today or tomorrow than you already have gotten.  Most of us humans live in denial, denial we will not grow old and die and the biggest denial is: I can rescue him from himself.  I'm a good person and so I will try to see good in him.  Forget it, get out, get out now, and if you are just dating, end it.  Nip it in the bud, they will not now, nor Ever change.  Not for you, not for anyone.  If you've already lingered too long, I do not judge you.  I understand, but I hope you will save yourself and leave or kick him to the curb.

My narcissist was so good at fooling Everyone, he pulled off convincing the VA he was damaged by the Vietnam War, and had PTSD, that it was service related.  Not so, not all of it anyway.  I think the Vietnam War made him worse, for sure, but he was a narcissist way before the War, I'm certain of it.  All I can say is: "Leave them, leave them now."

1) They will damage you in some way

2) If you have children, they will damage the kids.  No matter how you may try to buffer the damage, no matter how you try to insulate them, you cannot.

3) Many narcissists have at least one, or both, parents that are narcissistic too.  Probably brother and sisters who may or may not be.  Trust me on this one.

4) A lot of times you will hear from outsiders: "Gee he's sensitive, but doesn't seem mean."  Remember, those people do not live in your household.

5) If you are an empath, (narcissists love empaths to death, not really love them, but love to jerk them around, they will try to devour you.  Chew you up and spit you out.  Over and over.

6) You won't have much fun with a narcissist because they claim: "I just cannot handle crowds."  Meaning, it's extremely hard for them to fool large groups of people at once.  They prefer to stay home and not mingle with people.  Isolation of you and the kids is high on their priority list.  Divide and conquer is their motto.

7) Usually it's not about your family, specifically parents, because they don't recognize you have any friends or relatives anyway.  They will refuse to visit them and kick the shit out of you (verbally or physically) if you visit your parents without them.

8) They act like assholes and if you say one damned thing in protest, you become the reason they act like they do.  You bring out the worst in them.  If only you would change, they would be fine.  Bull shit! 

9) 'If only you did things right.'  Impossible because nothing you do will ever be 'right' to them.  Even if you have a semi-nice day, all you can do is wait for the other shoe to drop, and it will.

10) Forget most holidays with them.  They will find some way to ruin it for you. 

11) When dating anyone, observe how they act in ALL situations.  Usually they will bitch about their family of origin, narcissistic men will bitch about how awful their Mom is.  Funny thing about this one though, they hate Mom, but once married will spout off to you ALL the things their Mom hates about you.  That's a big part of gas lighting on their part too.  Making you question your sanity, when in fact, they are the insane one.

12) They hate their kids too.  They will tell Everyone how their kids 'abuse them' when in fact the kids don't care to walk into the jaws of a lion.  The kids steer clear of them as adults.  But to a narcissist, they are the ones at fault, since narcissists insist they have No faults. They treat the adult kids like shit and bitch the kids don't want to see them.  Gee, can't imagine why. 

13) Not nice to speak ill of the dead, but, my ex is dead now.  Suicide because to a narcissist, this is the ultimate revenge to their family.  My narcissist was an asshole in death as well in life.  He left his house and Everything to some fly by night care provider he'd known for less then two years.  Just to finish being the selfish asshole he WAS in LIFE as in DEATH.  I'm not going to speak well of him anymore in death as I did in life.  Why would I? He does Not deserve such courtesy.  I wanted to punch him in the throat in life and if I could when he died, I'd DO IT.  Judge me as you wish, YOU did not live with him.  Ever!

This is simply a partial list of the nightmare of living with a narcissist.  Yes, you are young (or maybe not so young) and you don't know much about this behavior when dating.  They will be oh so charming when dating, will shower you with gifts, profess undying love and devotion to you.  But, guess what, they have to because they are smart enough to know, No One will usually be sucked in by their normal meanness. So watch for that trait.  The next blog, I will explain how I finally was able to recognize these types when dating and simply dropped them like a hot potato.  I'm hoping this will help some of you ditch your narcissist because to save yourself, you Must do it. 

Domestic violence, the reality of living it

October is domestic violence awareness month, each year, every year.  There was a newscast, today, on our local news station.  It's worthy to tell you I live in an ultraconservative state and so the newscast seemed so odd to me.  

The article talks about how a person from the YWCA is doing a ride along, once a week, with local cops when called to a domestic situation.  The article talks about how cops are usually not sure if it is domestic abuse until they arrive at the scene.  To me, a survivor of domestic abuse, that is laughable in a twisted sort of way.  Why?  Well my present husband and I first moved here in 2001.  We owned a police scanner since first coming here to live and even then we knew if the call involved domestic abuse or not, the dispatchers seemed to know too.  So why are the cops such a slow study? In an average night, since 2001, we have counted as many as 12 such calls a night.  Pretty grim statistics.  Another good question is: So for at least 15 years of such calls, where in Hell has anyone been who might have been concerned enough to do something about it in this city?

Don't get me wrong, I think any real concern is a step forward.  But, and this is a big but, the reality of getting any good help is pretty much bogus.  This conclusion comes not just from my own experience, but the experiences of those I know and from my years as a Social Worker.  From the observation that not a lot is offered, and when it is offered, it is so limited that it does not help a lot in those situations. 

Example:  So a concerned counselor rides with cops on domestic calls, hands out cards, offers some advice, but then what?  

Real life experiences:  The abused person (usually a woman) uses the card, seeks help and is, more often than not, told there is no room at the women's shelter for her and her kids.  Oh, if she has a pet, well they also don't allow pets.  So then she decides to seek help, just temporarily, from the Social Services agency in hopes of finding an apartment to get herself and her kids out of the violent situation.  Reality:  She has more than two kids, landlords say "Oh no, too many kids."  So not only is she expected to give up her pet, is she now expected to give up a kid or two also?  Apparently.

Reality:  Seeking help from Social Services is, in itself, quite the nightmare too.  Example:  Many places, my present city included, make it very hard to even get a damned appointment to see a Social Services Examiner in the first place.  When you do finally get one it usually goes down badly.  How?  Well they aren't supposed to be judgmental, however they usually are.  They don't say it outright, but their attitude sure shows it.  If your husband dies, they are like: 'Step on up here, you poor thing.'  If the problem is you are being abused, well, it goes like: 'Gawd, you stupid woman, you chose badly.  Not only did you choose badly, you are stupid enough to have kids with an abuser.'  There's no mistaking that attitude either.  Example:  Examiner: 'Now you realize I have to justify putting your case ahead of others in order to get you expedited food stamps for you and your kids.'  (Never mind the abuser Never allows you to have food money, and maybe has spent every cent for the household on alcohol and/or drugs.)  Never mind you would not be applying for food stamps if your kids did not need to eat. 

 Examiner: 'So you found a landlord to rent to you.  The landlord does not require a security deposit, so sorry, we cannot allow that.  You must now find a landlord who does require it.'  (Never mind it took you a year to find this landlord who's willing to rent to you.  So now, due to a stupid and asinine rule, you have to start looking once more.

The help the system offers:  My ex-abuser and I had to go to family court once.  Well, the stupid judge, upon finding out it was a domestic violence household, ordered me to go to counseling.  WTF?  I needed counseling to handle abuse?  The abuser was never once ordered to counseling.  I'd have thought he, at the very least, could have benefited from anger management classes.  But no.  Hey, white, male, middle class, stupid and ignorant judge person: Knock off the 'boys will be boys' attitude.  These Same type of judges are also Why rape laws Never change either.  All I can say is: Ladies, step up and pick your abusers.  Society, the abuser at home or some stupid judge.  Need I say more?  When is it ever going to get better?  Or are we just going to allow domestic violence awareness to be the cause of the month once a year and nothing more?

To Hell and back, just get out while you still can

Some people are simply toxic, toxic to your life, to your existence, to your very soul.  There's no getting around it.  Every time I look at 'stop child abuse' or 'stop domestic violence' slogans in the world, on streets posting banners and signs, on the news and on social media, I have to feel a bitterness right to my toes.  A bitterness that I know people should not feel, but it is there and always will be.  We are told not to hate, but how do you stop a train from running?

The idea that domestic violence and even child abuse, has always existed in our society, is a very new notion.  Family violence wasn't even recognized until pretty recently.  You may think it's been recognized for a long time now, but it hasn't.  We still live in a society in America, where it is still very slow to help people who are abused at home.  Why, you ask?  Well, no one likes to think a person's home is dangerous.  People like to think home is where you escape from outside problems.  People get uncomfortable because they know it very well could be them and not the other person who is abused in their own home, a place that is supposed to be our sanctuary.  Not only does society feel uncomfortable, but your own family scatters, most of the time and does not help you and when family turns a blind eye, well,you get to know who your real family is.  Many times your real family members are not your blood relatives.

To make matters worse, people out in the big scheme of things, including some family members, will say: "Gee, he/she didn't seem all that bad."  When you hear that shit, always remember, they didn't live with that bitch or son of a bitch.  You have to remember they are pretty damned clueless as a group.  Remember too, that most abusers are very good at not acting like the assholes they are at home because friends walk away.  Harder for their spouses and kids to walk because fear is their primary weapon.  Blaming their spouses and kids for their problems is also a big part of their sick, twisted plans to keep you in control.  Because for every abuser, control is the name of the game.  Even, for many, once control of their spouse has ended, they then turn their attention and lust for control to their kids.  Kids, especially when young, are a captive audience and those sick assholes have to control someone, or else their amusement has vanished.  So, quite often, husbands or wives who have been the abusers, will use their own kids as pawns.  

How do they accomplish that?  By raising the kids to believe their mom or dad is the horrible one.  Even though the toxic parent is the reason the innocent party had to leave, sick twisted people have to gain control of someone.  Woe to the kid who endures this hatred because it feeds the abuser's ego and lust for control.  Often, even when grown and they are able to look at things objectively, that grown kid has been so brainwashed by the toxic parent, the kid refuses to act like an adult and investigate if mom or dad was wrong.  After all, those kids have been raised to choose sides.  Those kind of awful parents are the worst, because they have too feed their evil thirst for control of someone. 

Too often a grown kid goes through life saying" "I hold a grudge against mom/dad because they weren't always around."   Grow up, Kid.  The reason your mom/dad weren't around is because the parent who brainwashed you, made life a living hell anytime they tried to be in your lives.  So, again, grow up.  Act like an adult and do not judge until you have taken time to know the parent who was driven off by sick, twisted mom/dad in the first place. That toxic parent who raised you is thinking: "I hate my ex for not putting up with my sick shit, so our kids should hate him/her too and take my sick side." 

  

Still in Vietnam

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The book featured here is appropriate for this blog series.  While my husband, Steve, is not still in Vietnam in his head, his book reflects memories of a forgotten war.

Being a forgotten war, with no heroes lauded from it, no decent home coming, and Americans, including the U.S. government, wanting to brush all memories of it aside, one can tell how veterans of that war feel.  When a Vietnam Vet suffers from PTSD, it is doubly hard due to the factors mentioned above.

My ex had his head in Vietnam.  So much so, in fact, he constantly mentioned what a raw deal Vietnam Vets got from it.  A war where for the first time in a very long time. the U.S. government decided to force young men to fight a war that many felt unjust.  It wasn't the soldiers' fault they had to go kill people in a country most of us never heard of before.  It wasn't their fault they laughed and jeered at the saying "Land of the free."  How in Hell is it freedom to be forced into servitude or face prison?

My ex felt such remorse, it just penetrated his thoughts all the time.  With PTSD a veteran often feels like the job was unfinished.  With no real home coming, there was no closure for their service.  No gratitude and no thank you.  Ron often expressed how he wished he had 'eaten it in Vietnam.'  As time went on, suicidal thoughts grew worse.  Every day, little problems most of us face, became blown way out of proportion and I always found myself waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I just never knew what chain of events would cause the shoe to drop.  Something big or something small?  I never could tell until it happened.  

There came a day when I grew tired of it all.  Tired of the tension, the verbal and physical abuse and our family began to really show signs of strain.  I got tired of calling Yates County Sheriff, who did absolutely nothing anyway.  I made a trip to Social Services only to be asked by the head worker: "Can't you just make up?  Our caseload is heavy right now."  I learned, over the course of time, you can either be abused at home, or abused by a system that really does not care. To this day, I see 'Stop Domestic Violence' as a mere slogan, a cause of the week once a year.  Why?  Well women and children are killed year after year in spite of the supposed awareness going on each year when agencies display their cute little token ribbons.  

The first time we had major problems that spilled outside of Ron's comfort zone, namely his closed doors where he could terrorize us, we ended up in family court.  Family court is nothing but a zoo.  You can go for your scheduled appointment, sit there in a crowd for two hours and then be told your case has been postponed for a month or two.  See what I mean by picking where you want to be abused?  This behavior is supposed to help families?  Hardly.  When we finally did get our day in court, I was told by the judge that I needed to go to counseling.  Why wasn't the abuser court ordered to go?  I was told by the judge: "You need to go to counseling to help you learn how to handle your family problems."  A bit ludicrous to put it mildly.  So when I see people bitch about 'people on welfare and food stamps' I want to smack them.  They have no empathy and no idea what they are talking about.  Women and children are using the system.  They do not want children to be clothed, fed, have medical care or a safe place to live?  Apparently not.  Those who bitch about 'those damn freeloaders on welfare' have the audacity to say "stop domestic violence and child abuse' out of the other side of their mouths.  

You have to also remember that for many, many years, PTSD did not exist in the eyes of anyone.  But then, they did not live in my house either.  The suicide talk, the abuse, the talk of how Vietnam just wasn't fair, tends to grate on anyone's nerves over time.  The PTSD sufferer blames everyone for their problems, especially those people they claim to care for.  They take problems, even small ones as some kind of personal assault, directed at them.  They are angry most all of the time, every minute of the day.

While it can be hard to live with someone suffering from PTSD, the constant thoughts of suicide makes it hard for the PTSD sufferer to just plain live. 

The nightmare for families begins

After marriage, we bought a home in Yates County, NY.  It was a small house, cozy and nice.  But immediately the happiness of a new marriage and new home was short lived. I had two children when we married, this was not anything my new husband did not know about.  In fact, we were engaged twice because the year before we married, I broke off the first engagement.  My gut told me something was not right with him.  I was not madly in love and I was worried a step parent might not be good.  I learned, the hard way, to listen to my gut.  It has not been wrong.  We broke up and I did not hear from Ron Gage for months.  I was happy and then, out of the blue he paid me a visit at my parents' house. He brought a present for my daughter, trying to get in my good graces, no doubt.  So my kids were not any surprise to him.  My parents convinced me this gift was a good sign.  A sign of a responsible man.  Boy, were they ever wrong.

In our new house, Ron would come home from work always in a bad mood.  I do not recall any night he ever was happy with anything.  He picked on how I kept house, my cooking, my parenting skills.  If I had spent the entire day cleaning, he would literally look for something that wasn't perfect and start a rant about it.  He'd bitch every night until bedtime.  All the time I tried, and of course failed, to be the perfect wife.  He would often compare me to his friends' wives, saying all of them were better wives than I was. 

Often he would get pissed at work and quit.  We would go without money and food until I went down and applied for food stamps to feed my kids.  In the small town of Penn Yan, NY this was another nightmare.  Those workers were not only unsympathetic, I would get lectured, like it was all my fault he quit his job.  He would fly into a rage at work and quit.  We were fortunate his employer would take him back, but not until months passed and we were almost destitute.  I recall one time he flew into a rage, he was abusive, physically and verbally to me and the kids and I went to Social Services in Penn Yan to try and leave him.  I got: "Can't you just go home and make up?  We are swamped with cases."  Heaven forbid they got off their asses and did the paperwork.  Needless to say there was no help there and to this day Penn Yan still likes to cover up it's major flaws.  Trying to make people think it is a perfect little town.  

When I would call the local sheriff department the cops would also try to talk me out of pressing charges.  One cop even said: "Well, Ron. I can sympathize.  My ex-wife is a real bitch too."  Not only did my then husband, work on all their cop cars, many would come to the house to smoke pot with him before they were cops.  Many others, who later became prominent business men there, would also come to his pot parties.  So he was in their good ole boy circle pretty well.  This isn't slander, it is fact because I was there and yes, knew all their names.  But in little town, USA, it is swept under the rug.  This is what many little towns do.  You must spell your last name correctly or you are out of their good graces.

One particular incident, when Ron was violent, he took his shotgun down and said he was going to kill himself.  I said nothing.  Then he turned, pointed it at me, held it to my chest and said: "Maybe I should just kill you instead."  I thought I was taking my last breath.  When I was able to call the sheriff's department, one of his cop cronies arrived and, thank goodness, the one and only female sheriff on the force arrived too.  The male cop claimed there was not sufficient evidence to arrest Ron.  I guess threatening to kill your wife with a loaded gun was not cause enough.  The female cop allowed me to press charges and he was arrested.  But not without much arguing about the situation.  People can say 'that was then and there is more awareness now.'  Seriously?  Everyone talks about it, in larger cities there are women's shelters.  But even then, in shelters, they cannot have their animals and their whole life is disrupted.  I suppose that's society's way of blaming the victim. I see domestic violence as not much more than the cause of the month, once a year. Small towns have no shelters for abused women, yet they do have animal shelters.  It seems small towns are more sympathetic to animals who are homeless and abused than to women and kids who are.  Social Services workers certainly are not trained well enough to deal with domestic violence, not in small towns anyway.   While Penn Yan liked to boast they had 'safe houses' those houses are so far out in the boonies and most abused women do not own cars.  So how do they get groceries, find a job or run errands?  Many are lucky to escape with their lives.  Later I will discuss how shabbily Social Services and family court treated me and my kids.  I wish this 'system' could get its priorities straight. 

Many people have no idea just how violent those suffering from PTSD can be.  Sometimes the veteran's co-workers are killed, sometimes entire families are killed.  Even if not killed, lives are in shambles and children are scarred for life.  Not always visible scars, but emotional ones, those that are harder to heal.  To this very day, not enough is being done for veterans and their families who suffer every day.

Veterans who never come home

Veterans who never come home.  No, not those who are killed but those who die in spirit and personality.  Those who return in the flesh, but who never fully return to their former civilian lives.  Those who have left their minds in the war zones, and their spirits have become disheartened.  Seeing people killed on a regular basis is not something the human brain can fully wrap around.  Seeing people who suffer, or may be tortured, or may be children, old people and civilians who did nothing to deserve death or torture, takes its toll on any human mind and is forever burned into memory.  

At 20 years old, what do any of us know about life?  Certainly not I, a young woman living in a small town.  A woman raised by her grandparents, raised 'old school' raised in a sheltered environment.  My grandparents grew up during the Depression and when the 1960's rolled around, they had a difficult time with what looked to them, like the youth and the world had gone completely mad.  Young people were adopting new norms and casting off the old ones their parents and grandparents had known and embraced for so long.  Hard for the older generation to comprehend.  The adults were certain that America's youth were spoiled rotten and had lost their minds completely and thoroughly.

Tough times for young people too.  Many new rules were put in place to keep us in place because adults felt rules were the only weapon they had to make us toe the mark.  Places such as schools were having a hard time embracing the new thinking and piled more rules onto the already long list of rules.  Rules like: Guys who had hair touching their collars would be sent home until they got a more 'reasonable' haircut.  Girls could not wear skirts or dresses that did not touch the floor when on their knees (I kid you not) or they too would be sent home to lower the hemlines.

Girls were beginning to want more from the world they felt was 'sexist' and decided to attend collage in droves, taking courses they actually intended to use in the workplace once they had a high school diploma.  But small town schools did not keep up so well with the new ideas.  I remember going to see the guidance counselor who, of course, was a guy, just before graduation.  I remember him telling me: "Well, looking for a career is probably a waste of time.  You, like most young women, will probably just get married and have some kids anyway."  I was dumbfounded,  any ideas of further education shot down before I even got started.  Having been sheltered as the youngest in the family, I wasn't trained to open my mouth and argue with him.  I felt disheartened. That was a sign of the times.  

My grandparents, who adopted me, were growing older.  The biggest thing on their minds was to 'marry the youngest child off.'  It was all they talked about and they never fathomed a woman could be single and take care of herself.  So the first guy who was nice to me, after high school, was on their radar sights to marry me off to.  I had wanted to attend airline stewardess school, but my parents discouraged me with 'we could never afford that' talk.  They knew nothing about financial aid and the guidance certainly never talked about it since he did not encourage women getting any further education.  So, right after high school, my parents convinced me to get a job and a car, for the short time I would be single.

Come to find out, the guy they were pressing me to marry would become my worst nightmare.  He was abusive and a narcissistic psychopath.  He was suffering from PTSD but what does a woman at the ripe old age of 20 know about that?  For years and years my family went through a living hell, but after all, you cannot get anyone help for a condition that supposedly 'does not exist.'  As a young woman, I began to wonder if it was me who had the problem, since he would point out it must be me with every abusive statement from his lips.  

After marriage, we moved to the small area of Yates County, near Penn Yan, NY where his job was.  From the get go, the nightmare never let up.  We constantly walked on egg shells and for a long time, covered up the shame of physical and verbal abuse.

Small towns, such as Penn Yan, offered no help in those days because the Sheriff's department in small towns was a 'good ole boy'  from way back.  My husband worked on all their cars and, what was I accusing him of; how in hell could this nice man be abusive?  So whenever I did call for help, I got a constant barrage of 'well, what did you do to set him off?'  They refused to arrest him, but then, they did not live at my house.  He was always able to pull it together long enough at work to appear to be a nice guy. 

Putting a face on poverty series

It's always amazing for me to read the posts every year for stop domestic violence.  I say this because, short of the courts placing abusers in jail for being the criminals they are, I always wonder: just how do you think you will stop domestic violence?  I can say this from first hand knowledge.  I lived with an abuser, we had five children and I know there will be those of you who will judge, because it's what you do best.  But judgement aside, are you swooping in to households to rescue the abused person, or people?  I laugh at this the most because not only will you, nor anyone else swoop in like some super hero, most in our society, including Social Services workers, will and do turn a blind eye to it.  Why do they do this?  Because no one really wants to get involved.  Most will make judgement calls galore, shaking their head saying: Stupid person, they should have left.

Far too many cops, especially in small towns, will be reluctant to even arrest the abusers.  I suspect this is due, partially, to the fact they are most often, white males and I suspect some of those cops are going home to abuse their own partners.  Domestic violence knows no boundaries no social boundaries, money boundaries, nor professional boundaries.  It happens often in homes you'd least suspect it to happen.

Let's address the 'should have left' part of this judgement call.  They should leave and go where?  I lived in a small town that supposedly had 'safe houses' but those are in the boonies.  Most abused women have no car to get supplies in town.  No car to find a job, no car for child care if she does find a job.  Abusers leave them with no money and no vehicles, it's the pattern of abuse, it's the control all abusers seek.  There are no shelters in small towns, no one in small towns wants shelters in town because small towns like to think this shit does not happen in their town.

I have five kids.  I called many landlords only to hear: "How many of you?  Oh no, that's too many."  So I wondered: OK. too many.  Which of the five kids should I give away in order to not be 'too many?'

I went to Social Services only to be given lectures, to be scolded at times, to be made to feel shame that I was abused.  Judgement is not their job, but they simply make it their job anyway. I was told I should get a HUD apartment, only to be told by landlords that 'five kids is too many.'  

You as the general public are not about to 'stop domestic violence' because even the abuser's own family will not recognize they are abusers.  I got no help from the abuser's family nor from my own family.  Some of them are the very ones who like to post the 'stop domestic violence' on their Facebook pages too.  Indeed!  Americans love to judge and it's usually the victim of abuse they like to judge the most.

When I finally did get help from Social Services, I was given food stamps only to then be judged by people in the grocery stores.  They liked to look in my cart to see what I was buying.  I usually bought the same items they bought, but somehow, they usually felt I was not entitled to buy the same foods because I suppose they felt using food stamps to feed my kids made the same food tainted.  Hell I'd often be judged and lectured by grocery store clerks who felt superior for some odd reason.  I even ran across one clerk who made it her personal business to make using food stamps as difficult as she could.  The world becomes 'food stamp cops' when all you want to do is feed your kids, just like those judges do.  People like to become Judge Dredd when you use stamps.  

Now domestic violence is one face of poverty.  So stop turning your heads in your neighborhood, stop judging and stop waving the 'stop domestic violence' banners if you know darn well it's no more than a slogan to you.







 

Divide and conquer, the oldest abuse used by controllers

 

 Learn, grow stronger

Once you've learned this, wise up

Divide and conquer is the oldest abuse tactic in the book, played mostly by men, but a few women as well play this card.  It starts with: "I love you, I'll do anything for you, but ya know, your friends, or family don't like me (translation: they see me for what I really am.  I don't like them and if you love me, you will avoid them too."  This is the isolation factor and how it starts.  Anyone who truly loves you will never (yes this is an absolute) ever force you to make this kind of decision.  It's not that you have bad parents or bad friends, but an abuser will isolate you because they cannot stand the fact those people can see you for what they really are and they cannot risk the chance of the person they control to be swayed by the truth.  Now my in-laws (ex in-laws) did not like me, but I never kept my ex from them or my kids from them.  I was not liked because their son was abusive yet those stupid people were under the misguided impression that their sons' wives or girlfriends asked for it.  Let me tell you, for any reason should my child abuse anyone, I'll take them to task quicker than shit.  There is no reason for any kind of abuse.  The sad thing is, many women will walk into this one and act dumb because they do not want to upset the apple cart.  Well, walking on egg shells in any relationship should be the first red flag that something is wrong.  Wise up!

 Take a break from mistakes

He wants sex, he must love me

Wrong!  I can tell you he probably just wants sex.  Wanting sex does not spell l-o-v-e in any language.  What does spell love?  He/she encourages you to be your best.  They support your decisions concerning your own life, they don't expect you to show up just for bootie calls, they don't have a reputation of using women for sex because they think they are god's gift to everyone.  Get to know this type of jerk, find out if this is a habit, just sleeping around to make conquests.  Then find out why they cannot seem to make a commitment to probably anyone.  Don't allow yourself to be insulted because a guy has no respect for you.  Have respect for yourself, that is where it has to start.

He/she hates my kids, it must be I have bad kids

Unless you are prepared to diss your own kids, no matter at what age, then get rid of that loser.  If he/she has kids  and their kids are fine in their eyes, do not trade your kids for any relationship because it's not a good one.  Trust me on this one!

Abuse knows no age

Abuse is always physical

Wrong again!  It comes in many forms......learn to recognize it.  Divide and conquer is one form, psychological abuse is another, never showing affection, cry babies 'no one appreciates me' crap like that.  Telling you that you are lucky to have him/her, yeah right, we all should be lucky enough to walk away as fast as we can from those losers in reality.  Looking at other women/men in your presence, making comments as to 'how great other people look' is psychological and shows a blatant lack of respect for you.  With holding sex because he/she is a pouty little shit and is punishing you, is another form of abuse.  You Need someone else to make you feel bad about yourself?  I doubt you do.

The 'your family hates me, so no more contact' person is the very same one who, once you break up or not break up, will be sitting in some damned bar saying: "My wife/partner doesn't understand me."

I know I can change this person.  Don't believe it! The Only way you can ever change anyone is if they wear diapers.  Instead, change yourself, break the cycle, stop being the perpetual victim, stop following losers all over hell's half acre.  Once you break up with someone, give yourself distance, in the form of time, to heal, look over the previous situation, make a damned list of what you Do No want in any other relationships, then stick to that list.  Stop feeling sorry for anyone and mistaking it for love.  Stop being grateful some loser helped you once and mistaking it for love.

What is true love?

1)  The person you love, loves you back.  They respect you, that r-e-s-p-e-c-t is the KEY factor.  You can tell them anything you could tell a best friend and they do not store that information away just to use against you in future disagreements.

2) That person is not just loving and respecting you in Good times, but Bad times will prove their mettle and just what they are made of.  They support you in bad times, not just when all goes their way.  It's easy for All of us to be good when times are good.  When times go sour, well that is where it gets proven.

3) That person does not try to devalue your feelings or words at any time.  That is a sign of disrespect when they say: "You just make mountains out of mole hills or you over react."  What in hell is 'over react?'  You react however you react, end of story.  We all do that differently.  

4)  That person does not compare you to other men or women in your presence.  YOU, to them, should be the prettiest, wittiest, nicest, blah,blah,blah, person to Them.  The grass is always greener people have NO place in any relationship with me.  Move along!!!!!!!!!! 

I will post this, I will Tweet this.  Do I think people will take heed?  Likely not because I can already hear: "Oh but I'm different.  My relationship is like that, but WE are different."  LOL  Yeah right!!!!!!!!!!!!