So I'm a Veteran

Available on: Amazon, Kindle and Barnes&Noble.com

I still, no matter what, think being a Veteran is an accomplishment to be proud of, but.  I say 'but' for a reason. Sometimes, my once fellow brothers in arms, never cease to mystify me, especially in this new political arena.  Many, many of them once watched our backs in a war climate, yet here we are fifty years later and now many of them are supporting the backs of people who Still don't care about their well being.  THAT mystifies me to no end.

Since Vietnam, which next to the American Civil War, was and still is, the most unpopular War in this country's history.  Still unpopular with our American government, so much so, I do not see where America is really grateful for our service whatsoever.  Not even to this day.

I've lived to see things like: "We need to stop communism in Vietnam before it spreads."(1960's)  "Tie a yellow ribbon around the old oak tree" (1990's) And, most recently on Facebook: "Support Our Troops." (20016) I've learned that ALL are just slogan campaigns to encourage sending our young men to their deaths.  Gotta stir up patriotism Somehow, I suppose.

Since it's been said Russia meddled in America's voting process and since it has been said, our new head person has basically allowed Russia to 'walk right through America's front door' then I've been wondering 'why in Hell Did we go to Vietnam?'  No one really seems to touch that question, much less come up with a reasonable explanation.

So WHY did my 'used to be brothers in arms' vote for people who would just as soon forget them as to look at them?  Was there something I missed when I thought we were still loyal to those who were oh so hell bent on stopping communism from reaching America?  Were they really concerned about that or did they become so jaded along the way, I am now shaking my head in awe of their not even being loyal to their own well being, much less their fellow Veterans?  I'm not angry, simply mystified and deeply saddened when it comes to what appears to me, as a sudden turn of events about their thinking process. 

People, these days, come up to me on the streets, in restaurants and stores, saying: "Thank you for your service."  Well fifty years in coming still seems like a very long time to me.  What does one say when people's feelings appear to sway with the wind on a particular century or year?  Should I now be grateful for once being spat upon, the once 'we hate you' form of gratitude in 1970,  to now, 'thank you for your service?'  Especially when it looks like we did not keep communism out of American government?  (BTW I wear my 'Vietnam Vet' hat because I'm still proud to be a veteran. 

Sad to see: In 1960's the American military could not even buy the better made, Chinese rifles to save our lives in Vietnam.  To now if it isn't Chinese made, you cannot even purchase it in America.  Well, I for one, can see clearly that in ANY war, the American young person, always, always from poorer families, is and always will be, nothing more than cannon fodder to a government who cares so little for their own cause they make sure They nor their privileged children, will ever pick up a weapon.  They just keep sending poor kids, since I suppose we are expendable to them. Funny, our parents didn't and still don't, think we are expendable.  When I see 'All lives matter" I Still think: 'Who's lives we talkin?" 

So all in all, I loved my brothers in arms, but do not recognize any of them in the year 2016 nor will recognize them any better in 2017.  Just some food for thought. 

Hail to Vietnam Veterans

Government response to PTSD:
"Get over it, it doesn't exist, it's all about me."

Vietnam Vet's response: "No we aren't going to just let it be"

Government response: " There is nothing wrong that we can see"

Vietnam Vets response: "Hell no, you won't diss ME.  Our brothers in arms are suffering, you see."

The government's wail to silence the Vietnam Vets, comes to no avail.  Vietnam Veterans persistence we all should hail.

Vietnam Vets: "I feel like there is a demon on my tail"

Government response: "It's all in your head."

Vietnam Vets response: "No it's not, it is ruining my life, enough said."

Vietnam Vets: "You let us down long enough. Why oh why does the government wail?  Oh yeah, follow the money trail.  A payout of disability you might have to pay.  So, 'shut your mouths' you love to say.  No welcome home, no real VA benefits, you act like we're all giving you fits.  You treat us all as a group of misfits.  You called us to arms, we answered that call.  Those who didn't volunteer, you ripped from their homes, leaving mothers in tears.  'Land of the free' HA, In the form of the draft, indentured servitude, Making many fight for Thee.  So be it, but some things we refuse to just 'let it be'  It's serving all our brothers and sisters, can't you see?"

Vietnam Vets: Is this how a nation is grateful.  Being rude to us and hateful?  That is not how it should be, we will never forget.  So our persistence is all about you, you and you, then maybe me."

Hail to Vietnam Veterans who refused to let their brothers in arms down.  Their motto: "We're all in this together."  They wore it like a crown.  The government told them to 'go fight' and they did, with all of their might. They returned home and the government said: "Now get out of our sight." They got home thinking their fight was done, little did they know, back in The World, the fight had just begun.  'All lives matter' today they like to say.  Well Vietnam Vet's lives matter too, they fight the good fight, for you and you. I say to the Vets: "Jolly good for you."

Available on: Amazon, Kindle and Barnes&Noble.com

Still in Vietnam

                                                      Available on: Amazon.com
                                                      Kindle
                                                      Barnes&Noble.com


The book featured here is appropriate for this blog series.  While my husband, Steve, is not still in Vietnam in his head, his book reflects memories of a forgotten war.

Being a forgotten war, with no heroes lauded from it, no decent home coming, and Americans, including the U.S. government, wanting to brush all memories of it aside, one can tell how veterans of that war feel.  When a Vietnam Vet suffers from PTSD, it is doubly hard due to the factors mentioned above.

My ex had his head in Vietnam.  So much so, in fact, he constantly mentioned what a raw deal Vietnam Vets got from it.  A war where for the first time in a very long time. the U.S. government decided to force young men to fight a war that many felt unjust.  It wasn't the soldiers' fault they had to go kill people in a country most of us never heard of before.  It wasn't their fault they laughed and jeered at the saying "Land of the free."  How in Hell is it freedom to be forced into servitude or face prison?

My ex felt such remorse, it just penetrated his thoughts all the time.  With PTSD a veteran often feels like the job was unfinished.  With no real home coming, there was no closure for their service.  No gratitude and no thank you.  Ron often expressed how he wished he had 'eaten it in Vietnam.'  As time went on, suicidal thoughts grew worse.  Every day, little problems most of us face, became blown way out of proportion and I always found myself waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I just never knew what chain of events would cause the shoe to drop.  Something big or something small?  I never could tell until it happened.  

There came a day when I grew tired of it all.  Tired of the tension, the verbal and physical abuse and our family began to really show signs of strain.  I got tired of calling Yates County Sheriff, who did absolutely nothing anyway.  I made a trip to Social Services only to be asked by the head worker: "Can't you just make up?  Our caseload is heavy right now."  I learned, over the course of time, you can either be abused at home, or abused by a system that really does not care. To this day, I see 'Stop Domestic Violence' as a mere slogan, a cause of the week once a year.  Why?  Well women and children are killed year after year in spite of the supposed awareness going on each year when agencies display their cute little token ribbons.  

The first time we had major problems that spilled outside of Ron's comfort zone, namely his closed doors where he could terrorize us, we ended up in family court.  Family court is nothing but a zoo.  You can go for your scheduled appointment, sit there in a crowd for two hours and then be told your case has been postponed for a month or two.  See what I mean by picking where you want to be abused?  This behavior is supposed to help families?  Hardly.  When we finally did get our day in court, I was told by the judge that I needed to go to counseling.  Why wasn't the abuser court ordered to go?  I was told by the judge: "You need to go to counseling to help you learn how to handle your family problems."  A bit ludicrous to put it mildly.  So when I see people bitch about 'people on welfare and food stamps' I want to smack them.  They have no empathy and no idea what they are talking about.  Women and children are using the system.  They do not want children to be clothed, fed, have medical care or a safe place to live?  Apparently not.  Those who bitch about 'those damn freeloaders on welfare' have the audacity to say "stop domestic violence and child abuse' out of the other side of their mouths.  

You have to also remember that for many, many years, PTSD did not exist in the eyes of anyone.  But then, they did not live in my house either.  The suicide talk, the abuse, the talk of how Vietnam just wasn't fair, tends to grate on anyone's nerves over time.  The PTSD sufferer blames everyone for their problems, especially those people they claim to care for.  They take problems, even small ones as some kind of personal assault, directed at them.  They are angry most all of the time, every minute of the day.

While it can be hard to live with someone suffering from PTSD, the constant thoughts of suicide makes it hard for the PTSD sufferer to just plain live. 

When they never come home

We mourn soldiers who die in a war zone.  There are many who physically die, but there are more who return home physically but not mentally.  Those who lost their lives, well their trials and tribulations are over, there can be closure for families. Those who die emotionally, their problems are simply just beginning.  Loved ones can grasp a physical death, while the emotional and many times, mental deaths are much, much harder to come to grips with.

  It has finally been determined that many veterans from every war ever fought have suffered from this condition.  The difference in those past wars, to present, is that PTSD was shoved under the carpet until our modern era.  Many liked to name the condition shell shock, that way no government officials felt any responsibility for admitting that the war itself caused it.  This was one way of just being off the hook for government officials and military officials.  For if they did admit it might be service related, they knew they would be wide open to a host of payments for a service related condition.  When it comes to money, well, military and government officials are very good at dodging that bullet, so to speak. 

This is the story, my story, of living with PTSD at its heights.  It is a story of how, for years, no one would acknowledge that this troublesome condition even existed.  If it were up to government officials and armchair generals, it still wouldn't exist.  First off, my hat goes off to Vietnam Veterans who got the ball rolling when it comes to not allowing it to be swept under the rug.  Also to the present day veterans who didn't drop the ball and who now carry the torch of justice for all veterans who come home with this condition.  Only those who have lived with it, spouses, parents, children and most of all, the veterans themselves, really know and understand the nightmare that is PTSD.

While the world is applauding a new movie about a famous sniper, what happens to the everyday veteran who is not famous?  Is he or she any less value?  No, and this series of blogs is dedicated to the men and women who went into the unknown, who felt a calling to serve their country, who have refused to 'go gently into that good night' quietly.  For their lives are of major importance whether you know their names or not. 

Wife of a Vietnam veteran twice

I enjoy reading comments from Vietnam veterans groups that my husband has joined on the social media, Facebook.  I understand why he likes these groups.  Veterans enjoy sharing reflections, thoughts and pictures because no one really understands that experience like other veterans.  

There is one site that is supposed to, according to the rules, be cordial to one another, where veterans can share pictures, swap stories, share songs, poems and just experience a camaraderie of talking to others who shared a very unjust war.  Unfortunately there always exists veterans who are bitter, full of hate and have never been able to rejoin civilian life because they cannot, for whatever reason, leave Vietnam.  I know, from firsthand experience just how deep this bitterness can run, just how much it can, not only control, but also destroy, a veteran's life and any chance for happiness.  The saddest part, is that even when the bitterness consumes them and destroys their life, they still do not understand it themselves, nor can they control it. Everyone who takes part in a war, be it the perceived enemy or the soldier, is a victim of gross injustice laid upon them through no fault of their own.  Yet many involved in a war, come out of it feeling guilty.

My first experience with a Vietnam veteran was at a very young age.  We dated, got engaged and married.  This marriage proved to be one of the biggest mistakes of my young life.  I had no idea how bitter a veteran could be and I certainly had no idea what PTSD was since, in 1970, according to the government and the psychiatric community, it simply didn't exist.  Well exist it did and it destroyed my marriage and sent my family down a dark path that we could not have imagined in our wildest nightmares.  Those types of veterans are like a King Midas, only instead of everything they touch turning to gold, what they touch turns to bitterness and hatred and nightmares for those living with them. They cannot leave Vietnam behind, they are angry at being used as pawns and since it is not possible to punish the government responsible for their anger, they punish those closest to them.  Finally, after too many years of enduring the hatred and abuse, we got divorced.  I was divorced for 11 years, convincing myself that not only were Vietnam veterans crazy people, but that marriage itself was highly over rated, never to be entered into again, at least not by me. What PTSD does is make everyone a victim, especially those families experiencing the hatred and bitterness, and the sad thing is, those families feel like they did something wrong, when they did nothing to trigger the hatred.  Nothing has to be done to trigger that kind of hatred because the hatred lives inside the person with PTSD and whatever you do to help ends up being just a band aid on a shotgun wound.  There is nothing the family can do to stop the hemorrhaging of hatred that gets passed down, like some bitter legacy, to family members. Family members who, especially during a time in America's history, when No One would recognize such a thing as PTSD, when no help existed for veterans nor for families.  When getting divorced feels like someone died because many suffering, without treatment, are as dead inside as the veteran who has laid down in their graves is on the outside.  

One day, after 11 years of feeling bitter about marriage, I met another Vietnam veteran.  We dated but inside, I felt with great certainty, this relationship had no future.  I was wrong.  We dated, we had fun together and we married.  Am I a glutton for punishment?  No, because this veteran is as sweet as the other one was terrible.  I have learned not all Vietnam veterans still live in Vietnam, in the war.  Not all veterans are bitter.  They can be disappointed as the next veteran, but not bitter.  I've been married to this nice man for 14 years now and I've come to know that while all veterans, and their families, were handed a raw deal, there is no reason not to move on, leave the war behind and my veteran has written books hoping to help young people understand that war is no place for them to be.  He wants them to know that, too often, it can tear their lives apart while an ungrateful government stands idly by, discarding them like yesterday's trash.  Writing his memoirs was not an easy task, but he felt it had to be done.  I admire him for it, for transporting himself back to a war he'd just as soon forget, but wanting young men and women to understand it's not good to participate in any war.

 

 

Available on: Amazon.com

Available on: Kindle 

  

Another Memorial Day finds us

Memorial Day finds us, another year older

Memorial Day finds us no less bolder

"A war to end all wars" once said

Why, since then, are so many more dead?

Do you want to really end wars?

Are you messing with our heads?

It's been: A war on British for freedom

A war on Indians for more land

A war in the South to end slavery

A World, both I and II to end aggression

Soldiers keep marching in succession

A war to end communism

Now a war to end terror

Somehow since 'to end all wars' there's occurred an error

This Memorial Day, the war skies are no fairer

People in America have no decent jobs

Around the world, people form protest mobs

Another soldier dies, another mother sobs

We talk about love

We know more about hate

Some young soldier, for prom, just wants a date

We love our kids, so we say

Yet we pack them off to war to die

Same old lies, just another day

To die for what?

For Coke and Pepsi to get a foothold?

It's no reason to die, if I might be so bold

Sending kids to their deaths

We knew we always could

Do we ever ask if we should?

Wars are a rich person's game

Different day, the lies remain the same

Stop that war, we think someone should

But would you stop a war if you could?

The military: Go to war, my Son, or Daughter, you should

They will pay you badly, morn your death, sadly

On Memorial Day, we honor with our lips

Yet another war plan, corporations pull from their hips

I long so to hear from those who "should go"

"This new war?  No thanks.  This time I will skip"

Memorial Day finds us another year older

When it comes to war, still no less bolder

I hope you find something better to do than become a soldier

Soldier you are not forgotten

                                                  photo: Steve Weathers



Soldier, you are not forgotten

I once served in an entire war, all but forgotten

Forgotten, forgotten, your government treats you rotten

But always remember, by other veterans, you aren't forgotten

I know how those dreams make you feel

I know how those memories, night sweats, make you reel

Bad sights, into your dreams they steal

Don't feel bad, don't feel sad, you really haven't been had

Don't give up or give in

You haven't committed the greatest sin

We joined, for whatever reason

We joined in good faith, we served for a season

Don't think it is all in vain

Even if it's hard to see past the pain

How could you know?  How could I know?

We signed up in good faith, why did we go?

We thought it was the right thing to do at the time

Friends, relatives, thought we lost our minds

Don't give up, don't close your door

We all; veterans, support you, from shore to shore

Feeling bad, feeling sad?

Contact me, together we can once again feel glad

For what it's worth, the pain is great, I know it hurts

You can't redo your past

Decide to go on, do it fast

The pain sometimes feels it will last and last

Together, Soldiers, this hurt we can get past

Reach out, to other vets, those you know, some you don't

Don't suffer alone, don't close your door

We as veterans, know, it was a hell of a war

Some say: "You knew the score."

But have they ever been to a war?

Reach out, veterans young and old

We are here to help, we all exist from shore to shore

Together we can stop a war

Let our new war cry be: "A war?  Oh never more!"

They need to listen to us who have gone before