So I'm a Veteran

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I still, no matter what, think being a Veteran is an accomplishment to be proud of, but.  I say 'but' for a reason. Sometimes, my once fellow brothers in arms, never cease to mystify me, especially in this new political arena.  Many, many of them once watched our backs in a war climate, yet here we are fifty years later and now many of them are supporting the backs of people who Still don't care about their well being.  THAT mystifies me to no end.

Since Vietnam, which next to the American Civil War, was and still is, the most unpopular War in this country's history.  Still unpopular with our American government, so much so, I do not see where America is really grateful for our service whatsoever.  Not even to this day.

I've lived to see things like: "We need to stop communism in Vietnam before it spreads."(1960's)  "Tie a yellow ribbon around the old oak tree" (1990's) And, most recently on Facebook: "Support Our Troops." (20016) I've learned that ALL are just slogan campaigns to encourage sending our young men to their deaths.  Gotta stir up patriotism Somehow, I suppose.

Since it's been said Russia meddled in America's voting process and since it has been said, our new head person has basically allowed Russia to 'walk right through America's front door' then I've been wondering 'why in Hell Did we go to Vietnam?'  No one really seems to touch that question, much less come up with a reasonable explanation.

So WHY did my 'used to be brothers in arms' vote for people who would just as soon forget them as to look at them?  Was there something I missed when I thought we were still loyal to those who were oh so hell bent on stopping communism from reaching America?  Were they really concerned about that or did they become so jaded along the way, I am now shaking my head in awe of their not even being loyal to their own well being, much less their fellow Veterans?  I'm not angry, simply mystified and deeply saddened when it comes to what appears to me, as a sudden turn of events about their thinking process. 

People, these days, come up to me on the streets, in restaurants and stores, saying: "Thank you for your service."  Well fifty years in coming still seems like a very long time to me.  What does one say when people's feelings appear to sway with the wind on a particular century or year?  Should I now be grateful for once being spat upon, the once 'we hate you' form of gratitude in 1970,  to now, 'thank you for your service?'  Especially when it looks like we did not keep communism out of American government?  (BTW I wear my 'Vietnam Vet' hat because I'm still proud to be a veteran. 

Sad to see: In 1960's the American military could not even buy the better made, Chinese rifles to save our lives in Vietnam.  To now if it isn't Chinese made, you cannot even purchase it in America.  Well, I for one, can see clearly that in ANY war, the American young person, always, always from poorer families, is and always will be, nothing more than cannon fodder to a government who cares so little for their own cause they make sure They nor their privileged children, will ever pick up a weapon.  They just keep sending poor kids, since I suppose we are expendable to them. Funny, our parents didn't and still don't, think we are expendable.  When I see 'All lives matter" I Still think: 'Who's lives we talkin?" 

So all in all, I loved my brothers in arms, but do not recognize any of them in the year 2016 nor will recognize them any better in 2017.  Just some food for thought. 

Hail to Vietnam Veterans

Government response to PTSD:
"Get over it, it doesn't exist, it's all about me."

Vietnam Vet's response: "No we aren't going to just let it be"

Government response: " There is nothing wrong that we can see"

Vietnam Vets response: "Hell no, you won't diss ME.  Our brothers in arms are suffering, you see."

The government's wail to silence the Vietnam Vets, comes to no avail.  Vietnam Veterans persistence we all should hail.

Vietnam Vets: "I feel like there is a demon on my tail"

Government response: "It's all in your head."

Vietnam Vets response: "No it's not, it is ruining my life, enough said."

Vietnam Vets: "You let us down long enough. Why oh why does the government wail?  Oh yeah, follow the money trail.  A payout of disability you might have to pay.  So, 'shut your mouths' you love to say.  No welcome home, no real VA benefits, you act like we're all giving you fits.  You treat us all as a group of misfits.  You called us to arms, we answered that call.  Those who didn't volunteer, you ripped from their homes, leaving mothers in tears.  'Land of the free' HA, In the form of the draft, indentured servitude, Making many fight for Thee.  So be it, but some things we refuse to just 'let it be'  It's serving all our brothers and sisters, can't you see?"

Vietnam Vets: Is this how a nation is grateful.  Being rude to us and hateful?  That is not how it should be, we will never forget.  So our persistence is all about you, you and you, then maybe me."

Hail to Vietnam Veterans who refused to let their brothers in arms down.  Their motto: "We're all in this together."  They wore it like a crown.  The government told them to 'go fight' and they did, with all of their might. They returned home and the government said: "Now get out of our sight." They got home thinking their fight was done, little did they know, back in The World, the fight had just begun.  'All lives matter' today they like to say.  Well Vietnam Vet's lives matter too, they fight the good fight, for you and you. I say to the Vets: "Jolly good for you."

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Poems of a Forgotten War

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                                                               Brothers in Arms

Brothers in arms in a far away place

Just a little country called Vietnam

Doing our job, day after day, night after night

Humping our butts all day, Humping our butts all night

Ten clicks out, hope we make it back

You cover my back and I'll cover yours

Never looking back, we all got the knack

Twelve go out, only six come back

Sometimes bitter and sometimes sad

No time for crying, no time to feel bad

Ten more clicks, let's do it again

Set up the ambush and wait all night

Quiet as a mouse in the elephant grass

Shadows in the moon are coming for me

Lock and load, I'm ready for the fight

Popping the Claymores and firing at will

waiting, waiting, long into the night

When its all over we come back in

Just a band of brothers in arms

Doing our jobs

Tomorrow, more clicks out, do it all over again

First Brush With Death...A Date With Vietnam

The day I was first shot at and the Vietnamese guy I was
transporting in the vehicle next to me had a bullet hole in his
head, I tried not to panic. I looked at him and very quickly
sprung into survival mode. I didn't relish dying here, on the
side of a remote road, but for the first time, I realized it was a
possibility. I was thinking what my parents back home would
say when they got my death notice. Strange how those ideas
run through your head when in a life or death situation. I didn't die that day, but I would come damned near closer to it several times more than I'd have cared to before leaving The Nam. 

In Nam it almost seemed like The World and family didn't exist anymore, sometimes. Holidays were spent in this foreign country and you forgot what family gatherings were even like. It all seemed so damned far away after a while. But I had my reasons for joining the Army. After I quit school, I made a promise to myself and a date with Vietnam, I intended to keep them both.

It was not like I was totally naive about what the military, war
and even what death was, sort of. Even though I had only seen dead people maybe two or three times in my life, up to this point.  But I thought I knew a lot about death
at the ripe old age of 16. I didn't realize it then, but I would
experience and learn much more, in war, concerning the subject of death.





  

A Date With Vietnam

“Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country "

John F. Kennedy - January 20th 1961




I believed what President Kennedy said in those words, and my parents and family backed me up on it.  It was strange, my relationship with The Nam I mean. Even when under fire, even when I was scared and feared for my life, I didn't question why America was there, why I was there.


Back then, so many of us just believed our parents, we had faith in America and we believed that we were doing the right thing.

I entered the Army with that doing the right thing attitude. So
much so, that I signed up for a second tour because I felt our
military presence was making a difference. By my second tour there, the Army felt more like home than The World did, the place where I decided I found my niche in life, like I finally found a place where I belonged.




A lot of guys back then didn't feel that way though. The ones
who had been drafted absolutely hated it there. The World was all they talked about, it dominated every conversation they had.

They talked incessantly about what they had been doing in The World when they were forced to come to Nam by the draft, their families back there, and most of all, how to get back to The World and resume their former lives. They talked about it because I think they were afraid if they stopped talking, then The World would become lost to them and they'd never make it back.

The World never held a lot of meaning for me, as a kid, so I
didn't long for it, pine for it, like many of the guys did. I had a good childhood, but my teen years had been turbulent, so, for me, leaving The World wasn't such a traumatic event. In fact, leaving The World was a big adventure for me and I was loving it, so far.

Wife of a Vietnam veteran twice

I enjoy reading comments from Vietnam veterans groups that my husband has joined on the social media, Facebook.  I understand why he likes these groups.  Veterans enjoy sharing reflections, thoughts and pictures because no one really understands that experience like other veterans.  

There is one site that is supposed to, according to the rules, be cordial to one another, where veterans can share pictures, swap stories, share songs, poems and just experience a camaraderie of talking to others who shared a very unjust war.  Unfortunately there always exists veterans who are bitter, full of hate and have never been able to rejoin civilian life because they cannot, for whatever reason, leave Vietnam.  I know, from firsthand experience just how deep this bitterness can run, just how much it can, not only control, but also destroy, a veteran's life and any chance for happiness.  The saddest part, is that even when the bitterness consumes them and destroys their life, they still do not understand it themselves, nor can they control it. Everyone who takes part in a war, be it the perceived enemy or the soldier, is a victim of gross injustice laid upon them through no fault of their own.  Yet many involved in a war, come out of it feeling guilty.

My first experience with a Vietnam veteran was at a very young age.  We dated, got engaged and married.  This marriage proved to be one of the biggest mistakes of my young life.  I had no idea how bitter a veteran could be and I certainly had no idea what PTSD was since, in 1970, according to the government and the psychiatric community, it simply didn't exist.  Well exist it did and it destroyed my marriage and sent my family down a dark path that we could not have imagined in our wildest nightmares.  Those types of veterans are like a King Midas, only instead of everything they touch turning to gold, what they touch turns to bitterness and hatred and nightmares for those living with them. They cannot leave Vietnam behind, they are angry at being used as pawns and since it is not possible to punish the government responsible for their anger, they punish those closest to them.  Finally, after too many years of enduring the hatred and abuse, we got divorced.  I was divorced for 11 years, convincing myself that not only were Vietnam veterans crazy people, but that marriage itself was highly over rated, never to be entered into again, at least not by me. What PTSD does is make everyone a victim, especially those families experiencing the hatred and bitterness, and the sad thing is, those families feel like they did something wrong, when they did nothing to trigger the hatred.  Nothing has to be done to trigger that kind of hatred because the hatred lives inside the person with PTSD and whatever you do to help ends up being just a band aid on a shotgun wound.  There is nothing the family can do to stop the hemorrhaging of hatred that gets passed down, like some bitter legacy, to family members. Family members who, especially during a time in America's history, when No One would recognize such a thing as PTSD, when no help existed for veterans nor for families.  When getting divorced feels like someone died because many suffering, without treatment, are as dead inside as the veteran who has laid down in their graves is on the outside.  

One day, after 11 years of feeling bitter about marriage, I met another Vietnam veteran.  We dated but inside, I felt with great certainty, this relationship had no future.  I was wrong.  We dated, we had fun together and we married.  Am I a glutton for punishment?  No, because this veteran is as sweet as the other one was terrible.  I have learned not all Vietnam veterans still live in Vietnam, in the war.  Not all veterans are bitter.  They can be disappointed as the next veteran, but not bitter.  I've been married to this nice man for 14 years now and I've come to know that while all veterans, and their families, were handed a raw deal, there is no reason not to move on, leave the war behind and my veteran has written books hoping to help young people understand that war is no place for them to be.  He wants them to know that, too often, it can tear their lives apart while an ungrateful government stands idly by, discarding them like yesterday's trash.  Writing his memoirs was not an easy task, but he felt it had to be done.  I admire him for it, for transporting himself back to a war he'd just as soon forget, but wanting young men and women to understand it's not good to participate in any war.

 

 

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Reflections on a Christmas day, is there forgiveness in war?

 

 

As a soldier reflecting where I've been before

I wonder, is there forgiveness in a war?

Forgiveness from those hurt to their very core

Is forgiveness simply story and lore?

Soldiers who thought what they did was just

Soldiers having done what they felt they must

But wising up, losing the trust

Is there such a thing as forgiveness or bust?

Is there one god?

Or is there more than one?

Looking at all of us under the sun

We grow older, now reflection has begun

We all share the same sun

We all share the same moon

We all share the same sky

No peace on Earth until soldiers ask: "Why?"

Why am I killing?

Why do I plunder and destroy?

A tank, a gun, is not just a toy

But war mongers place them in the hands of a boy

We say: "Peace."

We act like Earth belongs to us

To do with as we want

Is it ours, or are we here on a lease?

If I were a god hearing us saying: "Peace."

Would I be disgusted?

Would I serve an eviction notice?

Would I renew human's lease?

We say we love peace

We say so, yet we bring forth the gun

Why do we believe them?

Just because war mongers say: "Grab it and run."

Is there truly forgiveness in a war?

Memories that make us all sore

If there is forgiveness in a war

Why do we repeat it, like so many times before?

Some say war is a fear of what other countries may do

But I think it is the actions of just a few

We say we are a Christian nation in America

Is war what they mean by: "Do unto you?"

 War is control

War is just destruction

By some misguided humans

Probably suffering from some sort of dysfunction

Remember that peace is hugging, peace is loving

Peace is not shooting, pushing and shoving

Destroying your land is not very loving

No wonder you fight back when we commence the shoving

Peace on Earth

Where does it all start?

When soldiers question the motives

When soldiers find, not war, but love in their heart

 

 We as soldiers may live the war till the day we die

 

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In a place we should not have been

Young soldiers in a foreign land
Having a drink, listening to a band
To a bar we were told not to go in
But too young, attracted to liquor and sin

Young enough to not expect to die
Young ideas of living forever, a lie
Young and foolish our little band
The night when death showed it's ugly hand

Taking a seat at a table, settling in for a drink
We discovered things can change in just one wink
Us die? We didn't see the link. So young, who'd think?
One blast changed it all, the night death came to call

Drinking and laughing in a forbidden zone
We thought death would leave us alone
But we temporarily forgot it was a war
War sets the tone

To the men's room I took a leave
Not knowing what war had up it's sleeve
A blast, a loud noise
The deafening noise, made me take poise

I ran out to see dust and gloom
Surrounding a place that once was a room
I looked around when I was able
Just an empty spot that once was our table

Running to help my friends
Some wounded, some met their end
I could not believe my eyes
Too young to die?  A pack of lies

Helping survivors outside
In a war, no one is able to hide
We had laughed, we said we won't die
Now we had to face that lie

War has a way of finding you when there
War isn't sympathetic of your age
War just doesn't care
I lost some good friends over there

You travel back home
Friends you have lost
You feel a little more alone
That's the fact of any war zone

You push it to the back of your mind
But eventually those thoughts creep in
Thoughts that are not very kind
Death, war, friends lost, do not leave your mind

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So later when pondering, you think
You grow older, understand the link
So this is what death is?
One bomb, wrong place, wrong time, all gone with a fizz
 
 
 

If only I had listened, if only you would listen

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If only you would listen

If only I had listened

Listened before the blood glistened

We thought the good fight was for freedom

Let freedom ring

We killed those we never should have

Emotional wounds cannot be healed with band aid and salve 

We did our job, we looked like a mob

Come home with problems and reality

American government does not care

The emotional scars, all who fought, these we share

We say 'it's not fair'

We go to counseling

We get meds and a 'there, there'

We think that damned counselor cares?

Conditioned to fight a perceived enemy in hiding

Training that does not leave your head

Come home to no one who's guiding

Some days, emotions go sliding

Bitter you say?

If only you would listen

Listen, my Child

Listen before you rue the day

War machines fill our dreams

Some more, some less, still a mess

Emotional scars

We saw fire in those stars

Are we crazy?

Sometimes thoughts become hazy

Let the rich pick up arms

Don't look for my child, they don't answer your alarms

Fight a war yourself

Get your cell phone, take your own picture

Call it a 'selfie'

Remember yourself when you return, no limbs, as you sit on a shelfie

War these days is a video game?

The 'enemy' is never glad you came

Tearing up civilian's homes

Never to be the same

 Amen!!!!!!!!!!!!

They should love us you think?

It all looks good on paper and ink

To real human beings

A government has no real link

If only I had listened

If you would just listen

Please do before you see the blood glisten

Hopefully it is not your blood in the sun to glisten

 

So young and itching to grow up

Funny, how we are so full of confidence at a young age

 It was the year 1966 and America was embroiled in a war in a place called Vietnam and either the world was beginning to act crazy or, as young boys trying to find our places in the world, it just seemed crazy to us.  The Vietnam War was on the daily news, race riots were also taking place in various areas of America and the National Guard units were being called out, often, to help keep the peace in many of the Southern states.  We just knew the world was changing, rapidly and we wanted to be able to find our places in it all. 

   Music was changing too and much of it was starting to reflect the opinions many young people were having toward the draft and the Vietnam War in the form of protest songs. The Beatles, a band from England, were popular.  We grew up watching TV with its daily news about American unrest, flights into space and of course, the Communist were coming, or so the news led us to believe. The draft was also in full bloom and young men were nervous at the prospect of being forced to fight a war they knew nothing about.  I know history calls it a conflict, but so many people were killed in Vietnam that it should be placed in the war category, not a conflict class.  I guess it can be summed up as an era of raging against the machine by the younger society.

So young, so proud of serving

  My best friend and I had had a lot in common, both of us had shared a feeling of growing tired of Indiana and we both thought our lives were pretty boring here.  I guess the move to Michigan was his way of getting away from the boredom.   I still couldn’t believe he was dead.  When some kids at school told me he had been killed, it felt like someone had punched me in the stomach.  I ran my fingers through my hair, trying desperately to catch my breath. I even thought I'd misheard them at first.  I tried to glean more information from those guys but no one had any details other than he had been killed.  

Most of us kids didn't know a lot about death, certainly not the death of anyone so close to us.  We talked after school and made plans to go to Michigan to attend his funeral.  I think the trip was as much out of curiosity concerning death, as it was about paying our last respects.

My story

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