Mommy, I miss you

                                My Mom and Dad's fiftieth 


My parents picture on their fiftieth anniversary.  The title of this blog probably fits many children who no longer have their moms in their lives.  I loved my Dad very much, but, as a girl, I have to admit, I was much closer to my Mom than my Dad.  I was 'adopted' by my grandparents, but they ARE my Mom and Dad always because it takes More than giving birth to a child to be Mom.  Experts like to say: "psychological parent' and I, for one, know exactly what that means.  The Mom who held you, nursed you when you were sick and who hugged you and went to school functions, even when she knew it might be boring, but acted like you were a genius, is the Mom you have in your head and heart, forever.

I was just 31 years old when my Mom died.  I always thought I'd have her forever, or at least much longer, but didn't.  This picture of their anniversary is and always will be, special to me.  Not just because it was their anniversary, but also because This day started me on a personal journey.  A journey of finally growing into the woman I am today.  A strong, confident woman who finally likes who she has become. 

I didn't know this day was going to be the day I started to grow, personally, spiritually, and more maturely but it was.  How?  Well I had a horrible first marriage.  I was married to that creep when this picture was taken.  My ex, at the time, always tried to drive a wedge between me and my parents.  Little did I know, I wouldn't allow that from anyone. Frankly, anyone who tries to do that, is a shit of a human being, much less a shit of a spouse.  This day of celebration, my ex tried to tell me I could not go there.  He was, of course as always, too busy to ever attend anything with his family.  A family he never appreciated and he never deserved anyway.  My first three kids were little.  I dressed them got in my car and we went to this special day that I knew would never happen again and was determined my kids and I would attend.  I will forever cherish this picture of them till the day I die.  When the kids and I got home, the jerk ex was waiting to pick a fight over it.  This was probably the first time I decided to tell my ex to kiss my ass.  I was close to Mom and he, nor anyone else was going to keep me from her or from Dad.  By standing my ground, my ex (sociopath that he was), realized he wasn't going to control my every move anymore.  I slowly began to mature as a woman and was from then on, headed on a path of being myself.

My Mom's funeral was the second milestone to telling my ex to kiss my ass.  He was never there for me emotionally or otherwise as he was too busy being a big baby all his life.  When I saw, once again, what a worthless husband he was, I started to loathe him as a person.  More and more each day, until I finally got divorced.  BTW, my wedding was not the happiest day of my life, the day my divorce was final was. 



Most of us miss our moms, especially during trying times in life.  Another time was when my Dad died.  No one to comfort me over that, so I suffered alone pretty much.  When my Dad died, then a few short weeks later, I realized how half my brother's and sisters were shit human beings too.  Funny, you think family can be trusted, it can be true, until it's not.  There were three out of a slew of us kids, 8 to be exact, that I could trust.  The rest were greedy and I brushed off and over 40 years time I have cared not one iota what has happened to them and never will.  Sad, but a parent's death tends to bring out the worst in too many families.  Many people find this out the hard way.

Yet another time I missed my Mom was when I got divorced.  Yes it was the shittiest of marriages.  But divorce is hard, you grieve just like someone or something died.  It's because something has died.  Why I grieved is because I realized he was never then, nor ever going to be, a decent parent.  He never was a decent husband, so you grieve for the lost hopes you once had that he would become, at the very least, a decent human being.  That never happened either. I missed my Mom because I wanted, in the trying times, to hug her, to tell her I hurt, to talk to her and have the one person in my life, who, up to that point, would tell me how she loved me unconditionally, as her daughter, as her child.

I missed her when the two youngest kids and I moved into an apartment with no furniture.  I wanted her to assure me I'd be strong and would be alright. We were OK, but it was a hard, rough road, yet it made me a stronger person, a person who would show empathy forever for other humans who hurt.  

The next time I missed her terribly, was when my ex (shit person that he was) went to school and took my youngest son to his house, refusing to let me see him until we went to family court, which was more than three months later. Family court is a nightmare in itself.  Assholes like him Never deserve a decent wife nor kids anyway.  That abuser (what Kind of a decent father would use his kid to punish mom anyway?) decided to sue me for custody.  I fought him in court and won.  It's made me a stronger person in life.  Hatred of another person tends to do that for you.



Mommy, I went on to college to become a Social Worker.  I was determined to do that because I knew from the empathy you always taught me, I could be a good Social Worker and I was and am. Mommy I wished you could have been at my wedding to my present husband.  A husband you would be proud of for a son-in-law.  A man who loves me unconditionally, just as I am (something the first husband never did) a husband who treats me so special I'm happy every day of my life now for the past 19 years.  Mommy I miss you more than you'll ever know.




Mommy I never knew how hard it was to be a mom until I raised my own kids.  They don't come with instructions and we All have to learn it and wing it as best we can.  You weren't a perfect parent, Mom, but I now realize you had a tough job and did the best you could and you filled any voids I had as a kid, with much, much love.  Mommy, my own kids know I was never perfect.  But I hope they know I couldn't love them more.  They too, Mommy, don't listen to my advice, as I'm sure, I didn't listen to yours always either.  But now some of my kids have kids who don't listen to them either.  I guess we all have to learn the hard way, they might not ever know we, as Mom's, only want the best for them and we only give advice to save them from the heartaches we have been through.  I'm convinced saving them from heartaches as adults is next to impossible anyway.  But I love them unconditionally too, as you did me.  May my kids forgive me for once being young, scared, inexperienced at this Mom thing and one day understand I Never meant to hurt them, if I did.  

To Hell and back, just get out while you still can

Some people are simply toxic, toxic to your life, to your existence, to your very soul.  There's no getting around it.  Every time I look at 'stop child abuse' or 'stop domestic violence' slogans in the world, on streets posting banners and signs, on the news and on social media, I have to feel a bitterness right to my toes.  A bitterness that I know people should not feel, but it is there and always will be.  We are told not to hate, but how do you stop a train from running?

The idea that domestic violence and even child abuse, has always existed in our society, is a very new notion.  Family violence wasn't even recognized until pretty recently.  You may think it's been recognized for a long time now, but it hasn't.  We still live in a society in America, where it is still very slow to help people who are abused at home.  Why, you ask?  Well, no one likes to think a person's home is dangerous.  People like to think home is where you escape from outside problems.  People get uncomfortable because they know it very well could be them and not the other person who is abused in their own home, a place that is supposed to be our sanctuary.  Not only does society feel uncomfortable, but your own family scatters, most of the time and does not help you and when family turns a blind eye, well,you get to know who your real family is.  Many times your real family members are not your blood relatives.

To make matters worse, people out in the big scheme of things, including some family members, will say: "Gee, he/she didn't seem all that bad."  When you hear that shit, always remember, they didn't live with that bitch or son of a bitch.  You have to remember they are pretty damned clueless as a group.  Remember too, that most abusers are very good at not acting like the assholes they are at home because friends walk away.  Harder for their spouses and kids to walk because fear is their primary weapon.  Blaming their spouses and kids for their problems is also a big part of their sick, twisted plans to keep you in control.  Because for every abuser, control is the name of the game.  Even, for many, once control of their spouse has ended, they then turn their attention and lust for control to their kids.  Kids, especially when young, are a captive audience and those sick assholes have to control someone, or else their amusement has vanished.  So, quite often, husbands or wives who have been the abusers, will use their own kids as pawns.  

How do they accomplish that?  By raising the kids to believe their mom or dad is the horrible one.  Even though the toxic parent is the reason the innocent party had to leave, sick twisted people have to gain control of someone.  Woe to the kid who endures this hatred because it feeds the abuser's ego and lust for control.  Often, even when grown and they are able to look at things objectively, that grown kid has been so brainwashed by the toxic parent, the kid refuses to act like an adult and investigate if mom or dad was wrong.  After all, those kids have been raised to choose sides.  Those kind of awful parents are the worst, because they have too feed their evil thirst for control of someone. 

Too often a grown kid goes through life saying" "I hold a grudge against mom/dad because they weren't always around."   Grow up, Kid.  The reason your mom/dad weren't around is because the parent who brainwashed you, made life a living hell anytime they tried to be in your lives.  So, again, grow up.  Act like an adult and do not judge until you have taken time to know the parent who was driven off by sick, twisted mom/dad in the first place. That toxic parent who raised you is thinking: "I hate my ex for not putting up with my sick shit, so our kids should hate him/her too and take my sick side." 

  

Stuff I could blame my parents for but don't

As adult children I suppose many people like to blame every bad thing in life on how they were raised.  When I think it over, I've met many adults who do just that.  "I had a bad marriage, I should have been raised better."  Or:  "I was spanked as a kid, that was just wrong."   Maybe all those things are true, but as adults, I just think we need to take responsibility for our own bad deeds in life, not blame our parents.  

I had a bad marriage and when I divorced, I realized that being the youngest kid, I was never really taught to take care of myself.  I was sheltered and being a girl, my parents felt the need to really shelter me.  Youngest kid, a girl, well a double whammy for me.  I grew up in a time when the thing to do, as a girl, was to find a husband.  My parents were thoroughly convinced that women needed a husband to get along in adult life.  So much so that it almost became a : "Any port in a storm" situation.  It wasn't just my parents it was a societal mentality.  I would love to tell you that in 2014 all that's changed, but from what I've observed, it isn't always so.  We are still bombarded in the media with what we should wear, how nice we should look, be pretty, be skinny and the list just goes on and on.  For what?  Well to catch a man, of course.  You can deny it all you like, but it's there, every TV ad, every magazine ad and on the Internet.  Sorry girls, but it's true.  It was so bad that not only me, but all my high school girl friends thought they too needed to be married, or else you were just nothing.  The big fear was maybe being single past age 30 and you'd be showing the world that nobody wanted you.  Why do you think romance stories are still so popular today?


My ex is a bad man, I realize most women say this, but it's probably true in their case too.  The way he acted, even in front of my parents, they should have advised me to dump him or at the very least, rethink marriage to this loser.  They never did, but instead, would cut him up verbally to me.  

I had wanted to go to college, but back then, being old school, they never knew about financial aid, so they simply told me they could never afford it.  I got no advice from my adviser in high school either other than: "Well you probably won't have a long career anyway since you girls always seem to get married and have a family and a husband to take care of you."   Sounds silly?  Well by the looks of women's pay out there, apparently society's attitude about that hasn't changed much even now.

Could I blame my parents that I finally got divorced, had to care for two young boys for a long time on my own and I finally did go to college, but not until I was 40 and it was a struggle?  Yes, I could blame them for not shoving me out the door more as I was growing up.  But they did what they knew just as we do now as parents, often times.

My parents never talked to any of us kids about sex or the opposite sex.  I was told: "Just stay away from boys who want certain things."  Seriously?  That is good sex advice?  Of course not.  My parents grew up in simpler times, more sheltered times and my mom found a good man, but I suppose they were hoping I'd 'luck out.'   A sad way to run one's life.  Toss the dice and hope you come out a winner.

I might have made better choices in a husband had I been given some kind of useful advice.  But, alas, I ended up divorced and figuring things out on my own.  It was a struggle, but maybe it made me a better person by figuring it out alone, I don't know.

I hope parents these days are enlightening their kids, especially daughters, about caring for themselves first and foremost.  The list is large, the things we could blame our parents for.

 By the way, I was spanked as a kid and I abhor violence and I turned out okay in spite of the spankings.

Crap our parents said in the 60's we happily ignored

Growing up in the 60's was a bit of a challenge in itself.  We were a generation that threw off and challenged nearly everything our parents and society, stood for.  But we had to listen to a lot of crap, here is some of it.


"Your dress/skirt is too short.  What will people think?"  Of course they meant 'what will our friends, neighbors, all in the older generation think?  We will be told we're bad parents.  Oh my.

 
" Your hair is too long, and what do you mean you are dating a person of color?"  They meant, again, what will the neighbors say?  What will Uncle Fred and Aunt Sarah say or think?  On one hand our parents, in the North, would preach equality to us, until it hit up close and personal anyway.  How long does hair have to be before it's 'too long' anyway?

 

"What do you mean you're going to live together?  What in hell do you mean you're having a baby?"  This was the ultimate sin in the 1960's.  Unforgivable and just plain embarrassing to parents of all walks of life.  OMG!  

Women were told: "You'll be a used woman.  No decent man will ever want you.  What about the children?  Do you know how tough biracial children will have it in our society? The children will be illegitimate.  This was a biggie back then.  

Let's start with 'you'll be a used woman or marked woman.'

Did this mean women were 'marked' like some hit person was gunning for them?  What in hell did 'used' mean?  If guys slept all around, somehow being a *Ahem* 'virgin' was not expected of them, worse yet, it was forgiven.  'Boys will be boys' seemed to cover a multitude of sins for men. 

'No decent man will want you' was assuming the man you were living with was not a decent one.

How about 'illegitimate?'  What makes a child 'legitimate?'  Oh yes, having some man's name.  I guess your parents' name was no longer legitimate or any good anymore.  Yet you, as a woman, used that perfectly good, maiden name.  Imagine that.

We were told 'we would go to Hell.'  But if you questioned why All funerals you ever attended, even if you knew the person was horrible in life, they still never got preached into Hell, adults had no answers for that one.

"A woman's place is in the kitchen."  Yes, watching my Mom slave all day in the kitchen on a holiday, while the men drank beer, smoked and sat on their collective asses in another room.  Don't think so!

 "If your friends jump off a cliff, are you going to follow them?"  Actually, no, Mom.  You did a pretty good job of teaching me to think for myself.  That is why we aren't seeing eye to eye right now.  

"You're protesting what?"  You could get hurt you know.  Where would America be without war?"  Probably at peace, Mom.

Do you recall some crazy crap your parents used to say to you?  Do you find yourself repeating any of that crazy crap to your own kids, even if you vowed not to?

Families and holidays

Holidays for most of us either mean getting together with family members or they mean being lonely and not seeing family.

Families are a strange animal, having a life of their own pretty much.  We never quite know what direction they (family members) will take.

Like, well, family members who 'friend' you on Facebook, never really talk to you and kind of just sit in the background.  Why?  I assure you I haven't a clue.  Why friend people if you have no intention of really communicating?

How about real life?  After all real life can be stranger than fiction.  You can live around the corner from your kids and never see them.  Why do kids sometimes only adopt their in-laws and pretend their biological families don't exist?  This, I find, happens very often.

My present husband finds his children (one child anyway) blames him for leaving the state she lives in and blames him for not hanging around to take abuse from his ex.  For the most art, children see through cloudy lenses, believing the parent they live with and like to hold grudges until it hurts and is unhealthy against a parent they perceive as bad.  They have to blame someone.  Adult kids often aren't interested in what really happened and would rather fabricate the scenario on their own.

We cannot crawl into their minds and switch off the misinformation.  I am amazed at how many adult kids think they never make mistakes and when they do find out they made plenty, especially when their own kids grow up, they find out the hard way what their own parents experienced.

Some parents think indulging their own kids with material items will make their kids love them.  Not so.  For is a child has not been given the gift of self-esteem from a mother or a father, they usually will grab the first person who shows them attention because they had felt worthless.  That first person is not always good for them. But how can they be expected to know this when they have not dated enough people to compare them to?  So just because an adult kid looks good on the outside, it may be a different story on the inside.

We all make mistakes as parents.  Sometimes we will pay for them for a long, long time.  But being a young, scared parent does not make one an ogre, only in their kids' minds maybe.  


If you are an adult child, remember your parents will not live forever.  When they are gone, it's too late to make amends.