Sunday, January 22, 2017

Mommy, I miss you

                                My Mom and Dad's fiftieth 

My parents picture on their fiftieth anniversary.  The title of this blog probably fits many children who no longer have their moms in their lives.  I loved my Dad very much, but, as a girl, I have to admit, I was much closer to my Mom than my Dad.  I was 'adopted' by my grandparents, but they ARE my Mom and Dad always because it takes More than giving birth to a child to be Mom.  Experts like to say: "psychological parent' and I, for one, know exactly what that means.  The Mom who held you, nursed you when you were sick and who hugged you and went to school functions, even when she knew it might be boring, but acted like you were a genius, is the Mom you have in your head and heart, forever.

I was just 31 years old when my Mom died.  I always thought I'd have her forever, or at least much longer, but didn't.  This picture of their anniversary is and always will be, special to me.  Not just because it was their anniversary, but also because This day started me on a personal journey.  A journey of finally growing into the woman I am today.  A strong, confident woman who finally likes who she has become. 

I didn't know this day was going to be the day I started to grow, personally, spiritually, and more maturely but it was.  How?  Well I had a horrible first marriage.  I was married to that creep when this picture was taken.  My ex, at the time, always tried to drive a wedge between me and my parents.  Little did I know, I wouldn't allow that from anyone. Frankly, anyone who tries to do that, is a shit of a human being, much less a shit of a spouse.  This day of celebration, my ex tried to tell me I could not go there.  He was, of course as always, too busy to ever attend anything with his family.  A family he never appreciated and he never deserved anyway.  My first three kids were little.  I dressed them got in my car and we went to this special day that I knew would never happen again and was determined my kids and I would attend.  I will forever cherish this picture of them till the day I die.  When the kids and I got home, the jerk ex was waiting to pick a fight over it.  This was probably the first time I decided to tell my ex to kiss my ass.  I was close to Mom and he, nor anyone else was going to keep me from her or from Dad.  By standing my ground, my ex (sociopath that he was), realized he wasn't going to control my every move anymore.  I slowly began to mature as a woman and was from then on, headed on a path of being myself.

My Mom's funeral was the second milestone to telling my ex to kiss my ass.  He was never there for me emotionally or otherwise as he was too busy being a big baby all his life.  When I saw, once again, what a worthless husband he was, I started to loathe him as a person.  More and more each day, until I finally got divorced.  BTW, my wedding was not the happiest day of my life, the day my divorce was final was. 

Most of us miss our moms, especially during trying times in life.  Another time was when my Dad died.  No one to comfort me over that, so I suffered alone pretty much.  When my Dad died, then a few short weeks later, I realized how half my brother's and sisters were shit human beings too.  Funny, you think family can be trusted, it can be true, until it's not.  There were three out of a slew of us kids, 8 to be exact, that I could trust.  The rest were greedy and I brushed off and over 40 years time I have cared not one iota what has happened to them and never will.  Sad, but a parent's death tends to bring out the worst in too many families.  Many people find this out the hard way.

Yet another time I missed my Mom was when I got divorced.  Yes it was the shittiest of marriages.  But divorce is hard, you grieve just like someone or something died.  It's because something has died.  Why I grieved is because I realized he was never then, nor ever going to be, a decent parent.  He never was a decent husband, so you grieve for the lost hopes you once had that he would become, at the very least, a decent human being.  That never happened either. I missed my Mom because I wanted, in the trying times, to hug her, to tell her I hurt, to talk to her and have the one person in my life, who, up to that point, would tell me how she loved me unconditionally, as her daughter, as her child.

I missed her when the two youngest kids and I moved into an apartment with no furniture.  I wanted her to assure me I'd be strong and would be alright. We were OK, but it was a hard, rough road, yet it made me a stronger person, a person who would show empathy forever for other humans who hurt.  

The next time I missed her terribly, was when my ex (shit person that he was) went to school and took my youngest son to his house, refusing to let me see him until we went to family court, which was more than three months later. Family court is a nightmare in itself.  Assholes like him Never deserve a decent wife nor kids anyway.  That abuser (what Kind of a decent father would use his kid to punish mom anyway?) decided to sue me for custody.  I fought him in court and won.  It's made me a stronger person in life.  Hatred of another person tends to do that for you.

Mommy, I went on to college to become a Social Worker.  I was determined to do that because I knew from the empathy you always taught me, I could be a good Social Worker and I was and am. Mommy I wished you could have been at my wedding to my present husband.  A husband you would be proud of for a son-in-law.  A man who loves me unconditionally, just as I am (something the first husband never did) a husband who treats me so special I'm happy every day of my life now for the past 19 years.  Mommy I miss you more than you'll ever know.

Mommy I never knew how hard it was to be a mom until I raised my own kids.  They don't come with instructions and we All have to learn it and wing it as best we can.  You weren't a perfect parent, Mom, but I now realize you had a tough job and did the best you could and you filled any voids I had as a kid, with much, much love.  Mommy, my own kids know I was never perfect.  But I hope they know I couldn't love them more.  They too, Mommy, don't listen to my advice, as I'm sure, I didn't listen to yours always either.  But now some of my kids have kids who don't listen to them either.  I guess we all have to learn the hard way, they might not ever know we, as Mom's, only want the best for them and we only give advice to save them from the heartaches we have been through.  I'm convinced saving them from heartaches as adults is next to impossible anyway.  But I love them unconditionally too, as you did me.  May my kids forgive me for once being young, scared, inexperienced at this Mom thing and one day understand I Never meant to hurt them, if I did.