Thursday, January 5, 2017

Once she's 'married off'

The title of this blog was my parents' mantra.  In the late 60's it was just what society expected of young women.  Get them married off so they can raise a family and be 'taken care of.'  

I'm considering writing a book about my life with a true narcissist.  Why did I linger for 16 years?  Good question, I ask myself that all the time, even to this day.  I may write that book, but for now I am hoping this blog will help women (some at least) to leave the narcissist. Because I now know, you won't get any better from them today or tomorrow than you already have gotten.  Most of us humans live in denial, denial we will not grow old and die and the biggest denial is: I can rescue him from himself.  I'm a good person and so I will try to see good in him.  Forget it, get out, get out now, and if you are just dating, end it.  Nip it in the bud, they will not now, nor Ever change.  Not for you, not for anyone.  If you've already lingered too long, I do not judge you.  I understand, but I hope you will save yourself and leave or kick him to the curb.

My narcissist was so good at fooling Everyone, he pulled off convincing the VA he was damaged by the Vietnam War, and had PTSD, that it was service related.  Not so, not all of it anyway.  I think the Vietnam War made him worse, for sure, but he was a narcissist way before the War, I'm certain of it.  All I can say is: "Leave them, leave them now."

1) They will damage you in some way

2) If you have children, they will damage the kids.  No matter how you may try to buffer the damage, no matter how you try to insulate them, you cannot.

3) Many narcissists have at least one, or both, parents that are narcissistic too.  Probably brother and sisters who may or may not be.  Trust me on this one.

4) A lot of times you will hear from outsiders: "Gee he's sensitive, but doesn't seem mean."  Remember, those people do not live in your household.

5) If you are an empath, (narcissists love empaths to death, not really love them, but love to jerk them around, they will try to devour you.  Chew you up and spit you out.  Over and over.

6) You won't have much fun with a narcissist because they claim: "I just cannot handle crowds."  Meaning, it's extremely hard for them to fool large groups of people at once.  They prefer to stay home and not mingle with people.  Isolation of you and the kids is high on their priority list.  Divide and conquer is their motto.

7) Usually it's not about your family, specifically parents, because they don't recognize you have any friends or relatives anyway.  They will refuse to visit them and kick the shit out of you (verbally or physically) if you visit your parents without them.

8) They act like assholes and if you say one damned thing in protest, you become the reason they act like they do.  You bring out the worst in them.  If only you would change, they would be fine.  Bull shit! 

9) 'If only you did things right.'  Impossible because nothing you do will ever be 'right' to them.  Even if you have a semi-nice day, all you can do is wait for the other shoe to drop, and it will.

10) Forget most holidays with them.  They will find some way to ruin it for you. 

11) When dating anyone, observe how they act in ALL situations.  Usually they will bitch about their family of origin, narcissistic men will bitch about how awful their Mom is.  Funny thing about this one though, they hate Mom, but once married will spout off to you ALL the things their Mom hates about you.  That's a big part of gas lighting on their part too.  Making you question your sanity, when in fact, they are the insane one.

12) They hate their kids too.  They will tell Everyone how their kids 'abuse them' when in fact the kids don't care to walk into the jaws of a lion.  The kids steer clear of them as adults.  But to a narcissist, they are the ones at fault, since narcissists insist they have No faults. They treat the adult kids like shit and bitch the kids don't want to see them.  Gee, can't imagine why. 

13) Not nice to speak ill of the dead, but, my ex is dead now.  Suicide because to a narcissist, this is the ultimate revenge to their family.  My narcissist was an asshole in death as well in life.  He left his house and Everything to some fly by night care provider he'd known for less then two years.  Just to finish being the selfish asshole he WAS in LIFE as in DEATH.  I'm not going to speak well of him anymore in death as I did in life.  Why would I? He does Not deserve such courtesy.  I wanted to punch him in the throat in life and if I could when he died, I'd DO IT.  Judge me as you wish, YOU did not live with him.  Ever!

This is simply a partial list of the nightmare of living with a narcissist.  Yes, you are young (or maybe not so young) and you don't know much about this behavior when dating.  They will be oh so charming when dating, will shower you with gifts, profess undying love and devotion to you.  But, guess what, they have to because they are smart enough to know, No One will usually be sucked in by their normal meanness. So watch for that trait.  The next blog, I will explain how I finally was able to recognize these types when dating and simply dropped them like a hot potato.  I'm hoping this will help some of you ditch your narcissist because to save yourself, you Must do it.